Motivation: How do I find it?

Yep like I said in my last post, I really need to makes some serious changes. It has gotten my wheels turning (do you smell the smoke?) and I am doing some soul searching.  I have completely lost my motivation to lose weight. Over the summer I was doing so well; running 3 or 4 days a week and journaling every little bit of food I put in my mouth, even if it was a taste of something as I was cooking.  I was also making a menu and knowing day to day what I was going to eat.  It all comes down to planning and motivation.  Good ol' P&M!

Now here I am several months later and have lost the want to do ANY of it and it just depresses me. I was so much happier then when I was on a schedule and had a good routine going.  There are so many things I could blame it all on, but they are all just excuses!  My favorite one is I just don't have the time. What a bunch of BS that is!  I am lucky to live less then 5 minutes from my job and don't have to be in until 8 each morning. I have plenty of time to get up in the morning and go for a walk or get on the elliptical machine that is just collecting dust.  I have plenty of time of Saturdays and Sundays to get off my fat a*s.

I have the support of my husband which is wonderful, but yet it doesn't seem like it is enough.  My mum goes with me to WW each Monday night and is going through this journey with me.  We both started on the SAME day and she has lost 28.4 lbs compared to my measly 12.4 lbs.  What's the difference?  She stays true to the program and exercises EVERY fricken' day, sometimes 2x a day.

So, what's my problem?  I really do not know. Why am I so unmotivated?  Could it be that I have tried for over 10 years to lose this dang blasted weight to no success?  Sure, I have lost weight in the past, but NEVER all of it.  I have NEVER succeed to my ultimate goal.  I don't feel like I have any fight left in me to do what it takes.  I always start things and NEVER finish them; not just in this aspect of my life, either.  Why is that?  What is wrong with me? I really do want to be healthy. I want to be thin, but I have just grown complacent and gotten comfortable.  I don't believe that I can do it.  I really need to dig deep and figure out what its going to take to make this a reality.  I know all the tools; set small goals, plan, take it one day at a time, re-framing, etc, etc.  I think there are so many things about myself that I dislike that I just can't get a handle on it and need to focus on one thing at a time, but I get side tracked.  My life is so cluttered, both with physical things as well as emotional stuff that I feel like I don't know where to begin.  I guess I need to try to pick just ONE area and focus on that.

Right now, at this moment in time, on Saturday November 27, 2010 at 6:55 PM, I am making a commitment to myself to do what I have to do to get this weight off.  I am WORTH it, damn it!